outinthemoonlight

...so I'd know yesterday was over.

Om han bara kunde börja lyssna på mig och sluta stressa! Fan för honom! Jag hade precis lugnat mig tillräckligt för att faktiskt kunna skriva på uppsatsen när han kom in och vill att jag ska göra massa för honom fast jag har sagt flera gånger att min uppsats ska in i MORGON och jag har skitmycket kvar! HAN LYSSNAR FAN INTE! Jag grät mig till sömns igår, jag grät det första jag gjorde när jag vaknade, sen när jag skulle gå, och på bussen, och sen halva kvällen. Känns jävligt bra detta... Jag vet inte vad jag ska göra längre för så här kan jag ju inte ha det! Jag vill bara skrika, skrika, skrika och kasta saker omkring mig, men jag kan inte skrika och jag har inget att kasta. Om jag bara visste... Jag kan inte gå runt och gråta halva dagarna och vara helt tom och känslomässigt slut resten, det går inte. Om detta bara kunde ta vara över, jag vill bara vara lycklig.

Jag var i USA i 9 månader. 9 månader. Det är inte så länge, visst? Men ändå, ändå...

Tänk om Mr. Ed inte hade tvingat oss att sitta på bestämda platser? Tänk om jag hade fått sitta där jag först satte mig: långt fram, andra raden till vänster, nära Amber. Jag hade nog aldrig pratat med Clay om Mr. Ed inte hade flyttat mig till raden vid väggen, tredje bänken från längst bak, med Clay bakom och Ethan brecis bakom honom. Jag vet att vi småpratade lite, inte så mycket, och det tog lång tid, flera veckor, innan jag lärde mig hans namn. Jag vet att det som verkligen vände allt, var en enkel mening "I can't believe I'm copying the Swedish chick... in English". And like, in the beginning I would never had guessed it, but he turned out to be the one person I could really lean on. He was my strenth. And I can't begin to explain how much I miss him. I really do. Even if I'm not over there anymore, doesn't mean that it's not hard. That my life ain't hard. Well in a way I guess it's not, but it is. It's hard because I feel like I lost the one person I could always go to and trust in. It's not okay. I miss him. And it was only 9 months, but now it's been 12 since, and it still hurts just as much and I don't like it. Only a few months and now it will be with me forever.

I'm pretty lonely. In fact, I'm so lonely that even in my dreams I'm all alone around all these people that used to be my friends but now they are all together on the other side of that invisible wall and I'm here, on my side, invisible me too. Then I go off and jump off a cliff. It can't be good to be so lonely in your dreams that you jump off a cliff.

Obviously I would never do that in real life, but I don't like feeling like that. And not in my dreams that are supposed to be my happy place where there's a boy and me and friends and green meadows... Not jumping off cliffs. Whatever.

Maybe they're right, maybe there is something the matter with me...

I always seem to in a way look for love and for a guy, but no matter what it always seems like when I start getting close I always pull away. Like, if I like this guy, and after a while I just pull away because... I don't even have a good reason most time. I just get insecure about if I really want him or not  so I back off. The only guy I've took a chance with for over a year, probably longer, was P, and I really thought I liked him. But he didn't like me like that so I'll never know if I really really did like him and we could've worked out or if it was just the thrill of the chase. I don't know. I think a little, when I took a chance on him, I knew that he didn't like me, so in a way, it was still safe. And that's what I do. Only guys I kinda like are the guys that's taken or like someone else or someone I just can't have. And that way I don't risk anything, I can't get too close with them. So P was something else in that way, he wasn't taken or liking anyone else or so, so even if I thought I knew he didn't like me, he still could've said that he did and It'd taken a whole different direction. It would've taken a few weeks to know for sure what I felt too I'm sure.

Maybe I really am scared to let people in and really be happy and all that, Idk. Maybe. I just pull away when I get scared.

I think I might have found a piece of the puzzle tonight. I think... I think I understand a little. I found a part of myself that I had forgotten. All the guys I've been hanging out with or flirting with, have been so nice. You know, the nice kind of guy. I mean, there's nothing wrong with that, but I've been loosing intrest very quickly, and I think I know why. I get bored. I hung out with a friend today and we teased each other and all that, fought a little. I had forgotten how big of a part of me that is. I haven't had anyone to do that with for so long. Not one of my friends are really like that, only this friend. And I hadn't realized before how much I've missed it. And it's an important part of who I am, and what I need from my friends and maybe in the guys I go out with. They can't be too good, too nice, because that'll make me bored. I mean, they need that too, but I have to be able to tease and get teased, or fight. It's weird I didn't see it before.

Jag är Moster! Kl 7.15 idag föddes mitt hjärta. Han va 49 cm lång och vägde 3410 gram. Det va inga komplikationer för varken syster eller systerson. Har en bild och han är världens sötaste! Längtar tills jag får träffa lilleman!

Somewhere there's a fine line. There's a line between the girl I am and the girl I'm just not. There's a line beween what's accepted and whats not. There's a line between what's right and wrong. A very fine line. It's not always black and white. I do things that I don't think is a big deal, because that's the way I act, the way I am. And it's okay... by me. But what about everyone else? They get affected. All I do affects other people and it all has consequenses. I forget that sometimes. I don't ever want to hurt anyone and I forget that the thinks I do can actually hurt someone. And I would hate for that to ruin something... anything... I like me. I like the way I hang out with my friends. But sometimes other people get hurt, they don't understand. And sometimes I'm ashamed. Sometimes I don't understand. I feel alone, and I just wants to fit in, to feel like I belong. But I don't feel like that, not anywhere, and that's why I do what I do I think. I'm trying to find my place. I want someone who'll make me feel like I'm not alone, someone I can just crawl up and hide next to... you know? Someone who'll be mine and I don't have to worry about anything because he'll make it all better... I wish I could just fast-forward a couple o years until I have it all figured out... Who I am, who I'm supposed to be, who I'm supposed to be with. But you don't ever have it all quite figured out, do you? No, that's what I thought. I really wish I had someone... that's what I'm missing in my life. That for sure. But so I act the way I act, to feel less alone, but I don't mean anything with it. Because I only do it with the guys I could never end up with... I guess I'm trying to play it the safe way. I wonder what made me so screwed up..? Anyways... every time I fall in love I get my heart broken, so what's the point?

It's chill. I'm bout over it. Sorta. I've hung out with Olle alot, and I like that. It's like... idk. Makes me feel less alone. Ya know? Anyways, we like act like we're dating but we're not. It's like we're together but with all the "dirty" stuff, like he said today. And I mean, it's chill. We sleep in the same bed and all, but we don't do anything. We just friends. And we would never do anything bad/stupid anyways. But I like it, I prolly shouldn't, but I like to feel like... like I almost belong. Like, I'm not lonely. Well, when Siri gets here at the end of the week, it will all stop for a while so... Idk. I really need to get out and get my own guy like for real!

Tove's here now, it's really great, she came today and staying a couple of days. It's gonna be a good week I bet :)

I know it's stupid, I know it's crazy. I just can't help it. I'm crying my heart out. Yes, I've lost him before, it never really turned out like I wanted it to with us, but I was always kinda okay with it cuz I always had a picture in my head that in 10 years, or something like that, we'll be together. We'd be okay. But when he said "it's too late, I'm sorry" I realized it will never be us. It wont. It's too late. And it sucks so bad. I wanted him. Yes I have alot of stuff, I got almost everything I could ever want... I got more then I both want and need. When it comes to material things. But that stuff doesn't matter. All I want is him. Everyone I've dated has pretty much been cuz I just wanted someone to show me I was worth something, that I didn't have to be alone.. Yes, I loved some of them, but in the end it was just me not wanting to be alone. To be in an adventure... And it might've taken me 4 years to figure out what I wanted, but I know now, and it's him. But it's too late. And it makes me mad. It makes me sad, and it makes me feel like a failure, and THAT makes me mad. I got this hole in the pit of my stomach and I don't know what to do other then cry. I had hope, I really did. I really wanted this, and even if it didn't happen now, I thought maybe later... but not now. It's all just gone and I feel alone and abandoned and not enough. I'm telling him that it's cool, not to sweat it, I'll be fine, like always. I always get through. But it's different this time. This time I lost it all.

I just wanna push him in a corner and say "what about what I want?! You got what you wanted, but what about me??" But I can't. How could I? He's so different from all the rest... He's the only one who doesn't give in. I love that about him. Everyone else just give in when I flash my eyelashes or nag enough, but not him. He doesn't care. And that's how it's supposed to be. I don't want someone who's gonna spoil me rotten, god no! But I guess that just that, that he doesn't give in, will be the end of this one too. He wont change his mind, cuz he doesn't give me all I want when I want it. This is a mess and I wish I could do something to... to... to get my wish. I don't care if you take away everything else, I just want something real.

It was graduation and last day of school today. I can't believe that all of my friends, my best friends, are done and leaving. It's sad. I won't see them around anymore. When we were done with high school and they were gone, I knew that it was only a matter of time, until we would walk the same halls again. But now, it's over. It's all over. And I know, that I will lose contact with many of them, even tho I don't want to... It sux! And Jens class, the sung for him. To honour him. And it was beautiful;

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


I can't stop crying thinking of it. I wish he was still with us. And the other day I talked to him and we talked about how it used to be and what we wanted and what we never did... but it's too late now. I wish it wasn't. Why does it always have to be too late when I finally figure out what I want? I want him. But it's too late... If I could turn back time...

The last couple of years I've been calling you an arrogant bastard. And I'm not about to change that now, you could be such an ass! But I know that I forgot all the good things about you, the stuff that made us be friends, close friends, for a while, and that wasn't fair. I'm sorry. You were a good guy and a good friend. I love you.

Jens and I went to high school together. 3 years in the same class. We had our ups and downs, but who doesnt? I'm sad to say that we had a long down, one from the end of high school till now. 2 years. At a point in time, we were really close, me, you and Martin S was a little gang of our own and we were doing good. Untill I started hanging out with a diff group. I guess you can say I traded you out. That's how it feels now when I think about it... I'm sorry for that. And after we stopped hanging out it all went down hill. But we were never really enemies or anything. Just... used-to-bees I suppose. And I started seing you as arrogant, which you were, but I forgot all the good things about you. I'm sorry, I wished I hadn't. It's easy to remember when you reflect and remember tho. I can't believe what happened to you really did happen, it's unbelievable and I can't imagine a world without you. I'll miss you Jens.

I'm trying to be there for our friends back home, but it's not too easy, seing as I'm stuck in the states and can't get home! But I feel like our high school class needs me, atleast some of them, and I know I need them. Pray to make this all better? Jens, maybe you can put in a good word for us all up there? <3

NO! NONONONONONONO!!! It's not true, it can't be, not possible! It's not! Not him, it can't be him. This things doesn't happen to him, it doesn't!

My old classmate, and for a while - close friend, died this morning. One of the schoolbuses hit him on it's way to school this morning. He was on his bike and he died right away. People on the bus were on their way to school and they said "We just heard a thud and then there was blood runnig out from underneith the bus..." And, it's just not possible! Not him, not him! No! He's too young, too tall, he's... NO! It's not possible, he can't be dead! I can't believe it, I don't want too! Jens... I'm sorry! We'll miss you :'(

You are my best friend, and I miss you sososo bad! I get it, you're busy. But I'm fixxing to leave and we don't have all the time in the world. I wish you would see that. But you are so busy you can't even answer a text now days. But hey, if that's how you want to play it, fine! You mean alot, more then you know. More than you'll ever know.

In November we started to talk for real, I started to trust you and let you in.
In December I talked to you every chance I got, enjoying every minute of it.
In January I pulled away and closed myself up in a shell
In February I was  still lost in myself, and couldn't find my way back.
In March I found my way back to you, but then I lost you.
And I never got you back, and I don't think I ever will.

You've always been there these last few months, making me smile and feel better whenever I was feeling sad, but now, when I really really need you, you are nowhere to be found. I know that things changed, someone came along and changed your life, but I miss my best friend. I try not to, but I can't help it. And I know, that now, when I go home, I wont ever have the chance to talk to you again, cuz you are too stupid to realize. Maybe one day you will, and maybe it'll be too late. It wouldn't be the first time people run out of time and realize too late. But I miss you, and I always will. My whole life. You'll just never know.

I love you </3
Be good...

Troy got home. It went ugly. Aileen got kicked out. Ty picked us up. They came refused to let me stay there. Aileens still there. I'm at their house now. I almost got kicked out. But I'm staying. 63 days left. 8 days till dad gets here. Mr. Boone ain't in school. Ty, Morgan and Chels, I love yall. You three are tha best. Thank you especially to Ty today. I'm sorry for everything tho. I don't want to sleep.